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Missing your foster child

You know they've gone for a good reason.

You know that they'll be happy in their new home.

But when they leave, you mourn.

Sounds over dramatic but you really do. You may have looked after them for years and watched them grow and develop, but you may have had them just a few weeks, and yet cared about them so much, and formed such an attachment that when they leave you really do miss them.

We had that recently when we took in a teenage boy, brand new into care. We were supposed to have him a week or so but then it became apparent he wasn't going home and needed to stay in care. However we don't tend to do long term care, and so the boy would have to move on.

But to where and to whom?

The council did not know and there was a chance he'd go to a carer for a week, then another for a few days, and another and yet another, until the council found a carer who had the time, room and heart to take on a teenage boy long term.

So ok, we thought. We'll keep them a few more weeks so social services have time to find a good match for him.

This reduces the chances that the placement will fail and increases stability for the young lad.

Annnnd another 10 days into the placement and hey presto, we get that wonderful call telling us that a carer with two boys is looking for a third teenage boy and will have a room ready in a week or so.

Then the nerves kick in. Will this be the right place for them? Will they settle? Will they rebel? Will the other children like them?

OK, OK one thing you can do to help is visit the new home with the boy before he moves in. You know this, so arrange with their new carer for a short visit so the lad can meet the boys and foster mum to hopefully settle his nerves.

Settle your nerves too.

But why are you nervous?

Surely you've done your role in looking after the boy for the dates you were asked to.

But thing is, you care. You care that this child who has come into care only recently, and probably will never return home, reaches the potential that they have which has been hemmed in by the upbringing they've had.

So as the day approaches you'll wonder how they'll feel and you'll feel and new carer asks you a million questions about the boy, because they're nervous too. What food does he likes? Does he likes sports? computer games? does he play well with others?

You see they're involved in this too. They've made a gamble that this lad will fit into their home with their other foster children too.

What if it fails? How will it impact everyone.

OK, OK, day before they're due to leave. You do all their washing so everything is clean, you help them pack up, you give them a leaving gift, and then wish them goodnight one last time.

In the morning the taxi comes to take them to their next carer. You wonder if you'll see them again, even though you know the answer is yes, because you've already arranged with their new carer to come over for tea.

But you still mourn. You're not mourning a death, but you've still lost a tiny bit of you that gave so much to a kid who just came into care... but you know what you gave will help set them up in their new home. They'll build on it and become stronger for it.

So, it's OK to be sad. It's OK to cry for the kids who're no longer with you.

Fostering is a role, but it's hard.

If you're struggling when a kid leaves, don't forget to ask for help.


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NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

We do recommend Bristol Council though as they're fab. Bristol Council fostering enquiry form

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