The nearly kids

Whilst in an ideal world no child would ever need to come into care, the fact is they do. There are kids all over Britain that have been neglected or abused. Who have seen things even adults should never witness, or who live with a parent unable to look after them for health reasons. In Bristol at any one time there are around 700 children in care out of the 85,000 young people aged 16 or under in the city.

When you’re a foster carer unless your social worker knows you’re unavailable, generally if you have a spare room you will be asked to take on a child. You can say no of course. Perhaps the child doesn’t fit your current situation, or they want you to look after the child longer than you know you can. There are many that you will say yes to, especially if you’re a respite or emergency carer, and, oddly, many of these children will never make it to your home and yet you wonder about them.

You’ve said ‘yes’ to the question ‘can you take a child tonight?’ You’ve read their paperwork, get the spare room’s bed made up, check there is enough food in the house and then wait.

And wait. Start to twiddle. You ring your social worker who is engaged so you ring social services and find out the child isn’t coming today, but maybe tomorrow.

Or Transport have gone to pick up the child for respite and they won’t get in the car.

Or their social worker’s told them they’re coming into care and they’ve legged it.

Perhaps the court order you thought was a shoo-in hasn’t been granted, much to your amazement.

There are lots of reasons children you’ve agreed to have come stay do not in the end.

And then there are the children you’ve said yes to, but have gone to another carer because they were a better match. They weren’t due to come to you, but you know you would have welcomed them.

It is a really weird feeling. You know so much about this child – their most private details. You’ve read about the abuse they’ve suffered, how they’re doing in school and about their medical needs. You know they’re a bed wetter, love cats but aren’t a fan of dogs. You might just know ‘they’re coming today’ or perhaps you’ve been given a time already, and then they simply don’t come.

It’s never anyone’s fault as such, and certainly not the child’s. After all if you were a 14 year old boy and you were told by your social worker you’ve got to leave everything you know and stay with a stranger for a week whilst somewhere long term is found why would you want to come. The carer is a stranger in a house that smells odd, is far from the area you know and doesn’t have your favourite mug in the kitchen.

For the carer it can be hard but it is something you need to get used to. I don’t mean ‘suck it up’, as in don’t talk about it or let others know how you feel, but more recognise it comes with the territory. As well as physically getting ready for a new child – such as making the bedrooms up – you get emotionally ready for them. Even now when I’m expecting a child to come down my front path any minute with a social worker or I’m waiting for the Placement team to ring back with a time they’ll be arriving, I get real nervous. When I read a kid’s referral and say ‘yes’ to the Placement team or my social worker, many emotions go through me. I’m often sad and horrified about what I’ve read, and then have to remember they’re children, with basic needs that should be met, and then extra needs to. So I start to think about how the child will find coming to stay with me, what they might want to do whilst with me and how they will react to their new surroundings. Will they be okay, will they be happy, angry, sad, a mixture? Will they run? All the practical elements have emotions attached to them too.

The two main things I consider when welcoming a new child to my home are sleeping arrangements – will they be okay in their room – and food – as in what food will they want to eat, are very emotive. Both are about survival, security and comfort. You may have ‘go tos’ such as takeaway for a first night, but you’ve still considered things to make the child feel welcome.

And then nothing.

They’re not coming.

Sometimes it can make you feel disappointed. Maybe sad too. This sounds odd, because we don’t wish for foster care to exist as such. We don’t want kids to have to come into care. But you’ve gotten prepared and then nothing happens.

Try to steal yourself for these occasions. Try to have a backup plan for if the child’s stay with you is cancelled. Maybe a friend you can visit for tea or a boxset you can watch on the TV. It will undoubtedly be stressful for you, even if you don’t realise it at first.

Aside from the child’s stay not happening, you are left with concerns about the child you’ve never met. This may sound odd but you’ve read their referral and ‘know’ lots about them but never got to meet them. So you do sit in bed at night and wonder about them. This is all part of the process for me. If you didn’t care about the children you wouldn’t have these thoughts and feelings. Sit with them. Don’t ignore them and accept that these are feelings you’ll experience as part of fostering.

As for me, I’ve looked after 11 kids but I’ve had seven ‘nearly kids’ who I’ll be thinking about in years to come too, I’m sure.

All the best, BF

NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

We do recommend Bristol Council though as they're fab. Bristol Council fostering enquiry form