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What if I had said 'no'


Someone once asked me if I was worried about looking after certain kids... you know.. if it was safe to look after some kids, or if I was concerned we wouldn't get on, or even just that it might be a difficult few days. But to be honest so far I have not been worried about saying 'yes' to a child, but more worried about saying 'no'.

And I do say 'no'. I say no in the sense that when I see a child on the group email (when a child needs a respite place all the respite carers are emailed out basic information and then ask for more information if they think they can help) I do not think I could look after I don't put myself forward.

I've also said 'no' literally, verbally, when I've been rung and asked for a child that day, usually because I've had long standing plans I really do not want to cancel.

But I do worry about saying 'no'. If I've said no, and another Bristol carer has said yes, then at least that child has stayed in Bristol for that night, week or month, but what if all the available carers say no? Social services need to find them a place to stay, and so may look to another county.

I know two children I looked after had a back up sorted for if a Bristol carer couldn't be found - in Kent - but I did say yes and they were able to stay in Bristol in the city they know and at the school they go to.

I know of two children who after me went to Wiltshire, because perhaps all the available Bristol carers said no. Or there was no one suitable available, perhaps.

And I know of a child who went to Wales after me because no one was free to take them in Bristol.

All councils are stretched, and have a limited number of carers and a limited number of beds, and if available beds go unused due to carers being tied up then it greatly limits where a child can go, and may push them out of county.

But this can be a cold way of looking at things. The room in my home is not a 'bed'. That makes it sound almost clinical like a bed in a hospital ward. The child in my care is not a 'placement' either. They are a child who needs somewhere safe to stay for as long as the carer can offer.

When you do say 'yes' though, sometimes you are walking in semi-blind. Social services can give you as much information as they have, but sometimes they have very very little, particularly in emergency situations. Therefore you have to go with your gut feeling a bit and say yes if things seem okay, and hold back if you think the child wouldn't work for you.

Take your time too. Whilst I appreciate the member of staff on the phone might be working late to try to find a place for the child in question to stay, you've still got to make the right decision for you. So if you need to hang up, read over paperwork and ring back in 15mins do so. Or if you need to consult with your partner or child then absolutely do so.

The least amount of information I have had is the age and gender of the child, as well as their nationality. And I still said yes. The most I have had is a nine page report. With those children and all the ones in between information-wise, I felt I had enough to go on, as my gut told me things would be okay.

But what if I had said 'no'.

A child would not have been brought into care and in to safety.
Another child would have been sent over hundred miles away.
And I would not have met more than a dozen wonderful, intriguing, young people.

And I would have been left wondering what would have happened to them, so I am glad I said 'yes'. Despite the hiccups. Despite angry kids, despite hospital trips and police call outs. Despite insults being thrown at me, and despite long sleepless nights, because those negatives - which I should add are a rarity really - are strongly outweighed by all the fab times I have looking after the kids.

All the best, BF

NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

We do recommend Bristol Council though as they're fab. Bristol Council fostering enquiry form

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