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Mental health and foster carers

Being a parent is hard. Those of us who have had kids know this. Whether a single parent or in a couple, its hard. Whether one kids or a whole squadron of them, it is hard.

Being a foster carer is just as difficult, if not harder sometimes.

The aspect I find the hardest is confidentiality. Not keeping it. I'm spot on with that. But that fact that there are lots of pieces of information you cannot share with others as freely as a 'regular' parent would.

As a parent if one of your kids did a naughty thing at school, you may ring your mum to vent. But if your foster child grabbed the privates of another child during class you cant go tell your neighbour. You must respect their privacy, especially if the event relates to them being in care.

You can talk to other carers freely however, because all carers keep confidentiality within the service. What I mean is we know we can talk to each other, but not to Jimbo Jones down the street. We can also talk to our social workers, the child's social worker and at support groups. Depending on the issue we may also talk to medical professionals surrounding the child.

But the very fact that you have to keep confidence can mean you end up storing up things in your head that you might normally tell your best friend over a cup of tea.

There are most certainly things you can discuss. You can say you're having a hard time, or that certain things have happened, but you cannot reveal the child's history or disclosures since they came into care or any other information that should be treated as confidential or would help someone to piece together information about the child that they should not know.

This build up of negative events and knowledge really can take its toll. When you take on a child you read their profiles and their histories, and some of the things you read are the worst that you can imagine happen to a child. They're incomprehensible sometimes. They're vile. And then you see the child and can't see how this child is even standing, let alone the wonderful child that they are. You do your best with them and for them.. but all the while having this huge knowledge. It can feel like a catelogue of horrors sometimes.

Then there are the children you dont have too. You've read their information, agreed to look after them and then for whatever reason their stay with you is cancelled. Then you end up wondering about them too.

You will read about violence, drug abuse, deaths, neglect, abandonment, sexual abuse, incestuous relationships, and more besides.

Sooooooo now that I've painted a horrific picture, you may think fostering is awful, but actually its one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.

But I do need a helping hand from other carers, my social worker and support groups. I also need help from those who aren't carers and for them to understand sometimes this is super tough, and to respect that I cant always say what the issue is. If you bottle up the issues, they get worse, so if you become a foster carer definitely talk to those you can.

You cannot care for others if you're running on empty yourself.

Take care of yourself and look out for each other.


All the best, BF

NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

We do recommend Bristol Council though as they're fab. Bristol Council fostering enquiry form

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