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Do you become numb to the tales of neglect?

This is something I was wondering about. I also wonder if it is a good thing?

Before a child comes stay with you typically you read a referral. This is a bit like a school report in the sense that it has an overall comment about the child and then 'strengths and weaknesses' for various subject areas such as family life, education, personal care and health etc.

However this is far from a keepsake document you'll be showing your kids down the line.

In fact you can't show anyone. It is completely confidential. You must not discuss its content with anyone other than your social worker, and the stuff you'll read will shock you.

But I wonder over time if that shock wears off.

The first referral I read surprised me a little, in the behaviours section, that is, in the child's behaviour, and at the time I was a little worried. But then as time has gone on and I've read referrals about children who I have looked after and children that didn't come to me in the end, over and over I read the same phrases about neglect and abuse.

Yes, to end up in care there has to be a range of situations and neglect is one of the most common. But you read and you wonder how a parent can neglect their child. But that's for another day.

I've read around 15 referrals I'd say and I was recently shocked by two of them. I was shocked because in both there was sexualised behaviour, ie where the child exhibits sex-related behaviour far earlier than expected, whether by themselves or against another. For example primary aged children trying to grab the genitals of another child.

When you read something that shocks you, you wonder how these events could have happened. You ask yourself how could someone do this to a child, or in the case where it's the child's behaviour that is the issue, let this behaviour develop or have caused this behaviour.

The purpose of reading a referral is to better understand the child, their behaviours, their background and needs. Its there to help you make an informed decision about whether or not you would be happy to look after that child.

But if you've read something that has truly shocked you, how do you look past that and say 'yes' to looking after the child. Do you need to become numb to the information presented and take the child at face value? What if the information clouds your judgement, because of our own understanding of acceptable behaviour?

I guess I'm asking if there are any redlines we wont cross?

Are there things you could read about and simply not want to look after that child?

These are definitely things to consider and I would suggest that the more you foster, that redline moves and you'll find yourself looking after children you would have said 'no' to before because you've become immune - to put it nicely - or numb - to put it realistically - to the horrors that can happen to a child before they come into your care.

It's hard because when you see that child, they are just that, a child. And you picture on your mind all these things they've been through and experienced, having read their referral, and it can be hard to set that aside, even if 100% of it is nothing to do with the child.

I know that sounds awful. I guess some of it is fear too. Fear that you can't help that child or look after them or meet their needs.

But maybe that is part of the 'numbing' to referrals. That actually its not that, its more that you're getting stronger as a carer, and actually, yes you can look after a child who has been through X, Y and Z, and so you 'suck it up' and go 'yes' when asked if you can take this child.

I don't know. One hopes you don't become numb because you are no longer shocked and no longer care. I would hope that you become numb because you've got this. You can look after that child and those horrific things you've just read about you deal with. You find a way, work with that child.

However, as always, if something is too much, ask for help.

Remember the tallest, strongest tree, can get blown over in the world.

All the best, BF

NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

We do recommend Bristol Council though as they're fab. Bristol Council fostering enquiry form


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