Are the kids naughty?

One question I am often asked about fostering is – ‘Are the children naughty?’

This is a perplexing question in some regards. There are many layers to it.

It suggests the person has heard that children in care do naughty things. It also suggests that the person to an extent believes this and wants it verifying by a real life foster carer.

And to a lesser extent it suggests the person is probing to see whether they could look after any child who is ‘less than angelic’.

It also makes one question what ‘naughtiness’ is. Some people just see the behaviour, but not what’s behind it.

Our understanding and conception of being a ‘naughty child’ varies so so much.

A simple example: Parent A might consider their child ‘naughty’ if they refuse to clear their dinner plate, whilst parent B might think their little one ‘naughty’ if they steal grandma's purse and spend her money on drugs but parent C might have no parental control and doesn’t really consider anything ‘naughty’ and their child has done pretty much what they wish.

If any of these children end up in care, what is considered ‘naughty’ will also depend on their carer. Most carers are pretty understanding folk but there are differences in approaches.

I’m definitely at the more relaxed end and take a very pragmatic approach.

For example I am not going to pick a child up on having a messy room when two weeks ago they were sharing a home with their mum and strange men who came in and out at all hours of the day, where mum hadn’t cleaned in over a year and their were needles on the bathroom floor. I’m not gonna tell my little one off for angrily throwing their dinner over the floor as such. I’m gonna get them to help me clear it up, then as soon as we can I’m gonna try to talk to them about what makes them feel angry.

When you look after a child, particularly in the first weeks and months there may be many things the average person would consider ‘naughty’ behaviour, but consider what are the most important issues to address and tackle them first, and also consider, like with the plate throwing, if there is something behind the action too. Often ‘naughty’ behaviour has something hidden behind it, that a parent or carer needs to wiggle out.

Me personally, if I had a child watching TV late into the night and not getting enough sleep, and the same child not doing all their homework from school, I’d look at sleep first.

Also if I had a child refusing to eat proper meals and also not regularly showering I’d look at food first.

Definitely for me the key things are sleep, food/drink and safety (including boundary setting).

I think moaning at a child too much is not a good thing either. Yes rules do need to be put in place, especially in relation to safety (eg holding hands when crossing the road with little ones) but imagine if a stranger starts to tell you you need to do a whole host of things you’ve never done before, that mum and dad never told you to do. How would it make you feel? Angry, inadequate, confused, helpless?

You can often slowly change children’s behaviour for the better through example. It may be a cliché to say lead by example, but if you expect your kid to go up to bed and have lights out within 30mins of you saying goodnight in order that they get enough sleep, then why would it be okay for you to sit on your tablet or phone for an hour or so once in bed and you wake up groggy from not enough sleep, when your little one is expected to get off their electronics in good time.

I actually don’t think any of the children I have looked after have been naughty as such. And yes I have had challenging incidents. I have had children scream ‘I hate you’ at me for hours. I have had children run away/not return home. I have had theft. I’ve even had a child in my care arrested (though for in my view over something small). But naughty no. Respectively, the screaming child needed reassuring that no matter what they did I still cared for them. Every time they shouted ‘I hate you’ I told them ‘well I still like you’. That child has settled down now and we have a greater level of trust. With the child who most recently went missing, it was anger behind that action; anger at their situation and if I was them I’d probably have been angry too. Well, the theft, that was a means to an end; I had something the child wanted, but why they wanted it, I would suppose because it made them feel better about themselves, and the arrest, well again, that was frustration at their situation. But naughtiness, I don’t think so.

Or perhaps foster carers have a high tolerance for such things?

I am the one who used to steal food to eat when short of money after all. Was that naughty?

So in answer to the question, are the children naughty? ‘Yes’ if you’re comparing them to The Waltons, but ‘no, not at all’ if you actually think about their situation – where they’ve come from, what they’ve been through, and how they’re doing right now.

Mind you I’m still finding graffiti in black permanent pen from one boy I looked after, 10 months on. Recently a mirror was moved during decorating and on the back it said ‘Hi!’ Naughty little sh…. 

All the best, BF

NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

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