Seeing potential

To most people my garden looks like a wild mess.

To some people it looks untended, unkempt and unloved.

To a few people, those who pause taking the time to sit and listen, they see its full of bugs and birds and hidden flowers.

To me, I see my garden as a work in progress. I don’t see the snapshot others see. I see where it came from. Yes it was wild before, but a different kind of wild. It was harsh. It was brambles, ivy, overgrown hedging and a fallen down tree.

I see the flowers growing where before were knots of ivy tendrils and vegetables sewn where previously only thorns were found.

I see a repaired greenhouse and a rediscovered path. I see a new seating area, ponds and a bird bath.

I see the potential shape of the garden in years to come. I see the jobs that need doing over summer, into autumn and over winter so that it shines again next summer.

Why does this matter at all?

Well because I know that years of neglect take time to heal. A garden not tended for a decade will not suddenly become a haven. I also know that perceptions, or ‘snapshots’ matter and that seeing the overall journey – or the ‘bigger picture’ – is important when keeping perspective.

So when a bramble tries to grow again, I remember the 40+ established brambles I tried to dig out.

When my kid gobbles down their dinner in two seconds flat, I remember that two years ago they didn’t know where their next meal was coming from.

When I see the part of the garden I haven’t had time to look at yet, even after living in my home for years, I think of my kid’s behaviours that I let slide.  I don’t mind that they find it hard to sit still or shout when playing games because I know in the past they couldn’t concentrate for five minutes.

When looking after a child in care you can’t try to ‘fix’ things rather you’ve got to nurture the potential that is there. Guide them, help them flourish and help them understand harmful behaviours they may show. But, you can’t do this all at once either. You need to consider what is more important – for example – is it more important to help a child feel safe and secure at bedtime, or pick them up for not eating all their dinner again. Or is it better to focus on the good things they did at school, rather than look at the not so good things that occurred.

You, like with newly planted flowers, need to give a child space, love and attention, to grow. – If a child struggles at school with their reading, they’re not suddenly going to love reading a bedtime book, but give it time, let their confidence grow with your help and they’ll get there.

As for snapshots vs knowing how things have improved. Well when someone sees my garden for the first time I know they may see the weeds growing at the back whereas I remember what it used to look like. When your child has a tantrum in the park and other parents look on, you’ll know how difficult it was to get them to the park in the first place, and praise them when they get home for being brave and going out to the park. The parent may think ‘what a naughty child’ but you know different.

When I’m having a difficult day, I sit still in my garden and think of how far it’s come. I take stock and think to the future. Just like when a kid throws their dinner on the floor, but this time helps clear it up. I look at what’s gone before and what will be. 

All the best, BF

NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

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