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End of placement sadness

When you’re a foster carer you know that kids wont stay with you forever, normally.

There are cases where children enter long term care and fully integrate into your lives such that when they leave you care at 16, 18 or whenever it is, they’re still your kids. They still come over for Christmas and check in on you.

However the vast majority of children who come into a foster carer’s life will leave at some point. Whether that’s to go into independent living, move onto a different carer or to go back to their birth family. Whatever the reason for them leaving you it is a difficult event for sure.

If they’re going back home, regardless of how much the courts and social services say it is safe for them, you do worry what kind of life they’ll be returning to, and you wonder if they will bounce back into care in six months’ time, and if so what kind of effect this will have on the child.

If they’re moving to a different carer it could be because that carer has another sibling and social services want to bring the two together. Or it could be because the child is now too old for you. Ooooorrr unfortunately because the child’s behaviour is too disruptive and you just can’t cope. You may have been trying to cope for a good while. But then the cracks start to appear. They’ve kept you up late one too many times. They’ve ‘borrowed’ money from your purse again and ‘lost it’ on a night out. You’ve had to ring the police and social services over and over because the child keeps going missing. And more besides.

Or, the child may now be ready to move on in their lives. If they’re lucky they may have their own flat sorted, or they could go on to a scheme for older teens in care – called Branch Out in Bristol.

But when the time comes for the child to leave it could be anywhere from really well organised, really well planned, to social services coming with no notice and taking the kids without explanation to you or the kids.

It can also be that you know the child is moving on, but the child doesn’t and therefore for you it’s not a surprise but to the child it’s a shock. This may mean that you do not get to say goodbye either. When it comes for the child to pack their belongings if they know they’re moving and happy with it, it may be well planned and they get all their belongings together, but if it’s a hasty affair, then they may leave most of their possessions (which will need unifying ASAP) and this can add to the trauma of being moved with almost nothing – perhaps like the day they came into care.

If the move is not a positive one for either (or both) you and the child then it is going to be a stressful situation. There will undoubtedly be tears, but you know, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to talk to other carers and admit you are saddened, shocked and a bit loss. When a child leaves it can be a bit like grieving.. so do not be afraid to grieve the loss if you need to.

If you are the one who asked for the child to be moved, then you will still feel emotions intensely. You may feel a complete mixture of sadness, grief and heartache but also relief. Relief because the issues that caused you to ask for them to be moved on will end. Whether its stealing, fighting, incidents with police or just behaviour that is too strong for you.

I guess what I’m saying is that the ending of a placement is hard, whatever the reason for it. Hard on the child and hard on the carer, and you need to get the appropriate help.


If you don’t look after yourself, how can you look after the kids?



All the best, BF

NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

We do recommend Bristol Council though as they're fab. Bristol Council fostering enquiry form

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