What is 'contact' in fostering?

With foster care, should the child wish to, and it be in their best interest, then they may have contact with their family members. This is simply known as 'contact' but it varies wildly.

Depending on the status of the child in care, it can be anything from twice weekly in person to once a year via the post.

It can be anything in between too.

If you're a respite carer you are unlikely to experience contact as it will usually be held when the child is with their main carer. Though it can happen.

Contact can be:

• On the telephone
• 'Letterbox' - sending letters or parcels to each other, often via a social worker
• Face to face in the parents home or a trip out or even after school at play club
• At a contact centre - these are usually for more 'tricky' parents who need full supervision to be with their child. Often you drop the child off, go away for the duration then pick them up, and never see the parent/they dont see you.

Contact doesn't have to be with a parent, it can be with any relative the child would have seen before they came into care. So parents, grandparents, siblings and extended family.

Contact arrangements can vary and sometimes be complicated. Eg I had a child who was allowed phone contact with a dying relative - I rang the hospital daily and passed the phone over - as well as phone contact with an uncle where they were allowed to dial and speak in private. Same child could see their siblings in my home or the home of their siblings' carers and child could also see their father at a contact centre, but was only allowed to write to their mother. However they could not have any type of contact with any other relative - one such relative kept trying to ring him on my phone but I could not pass the phone over as I had to respect the court arrangements around the child. 

However I also look after children who have straightforward contact. I have a boy who stays the weekend but on the Sat afternoon mum pops over and takes him out for a few hours and brings him back. Easy. All sorted.

Children do not have to go to contact. If they really do not wish to, then they shouldn't be 'made' to go. I had siblings where one wanted to see Dad at a contact centre and the other didn't. So whilst the girl was out, me and the boy had 'special time' and did stuff just the two of us.

Contact is designed to maintain bonds between family members, especially when there is a chance that the child will return home. Whilst in theory it can be a good idea it can be stressful for both the child and the carer. The child may be anxious about seeing their relative and find the whole situation artificial. They may come back crying, sullen, upset or angry.

I once had a child who smashed up the contact centre after his father egged on him and his younger brother. Contact was cancelled after that as it was felt to be bad for the children. This child in my care was under the age of 10. I knew they 'had a temper' but had never seen it. With me, they were the calmest child, but in proximity to their parent, they became angry. They literally broke furniture, toys etc. Pure anger coming out.

If contact gets cancelled then it can also be both distressing and confusing for the child. It is always good to have a back up plan. I recently had contact with mum cancelled and so took the kids out myself. They weren't 'themselves' though. They were angry and grumpy, but I understand. They thought they were seeing mum and didnt. 

What about the carer? How do you feel coming into contact with a parent you know in the past neglected the child you are looking after?

I've only met one parent so far and it was 'okay'. I thought I would really dislike them but I didnt and I could see the child really cared about them. This is the parent who takes the boy out on Saturdays. She is always very polite, pleasant, perfectly on time in arriving and dropping kid back off with me. We're never going to be friends but for the sake of the child we can be 'polite strangers'.

Some parents you absolutely do not want to come into contact with ever - I looked after a child whose parent was convicted of attempted murder. I'm happy not meeting this parent! But equally some parents, yes, if for whatever reason we did bump into each other, i'd happily have a chat about their child. I don't think there should be animosity between carers and parents if its safe to be friendly with each other. 

Contact is a minefield for sure, but its legally required. As a foster carer you are likely to encounter it.

My saddest contact was ringing gran daily with my foster child, and then not. Because she had died. I then had to help child pick out a suit for the funeral. He went to the funeral after he left my care but I will never forget those few weeks.

All the best, BF

NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

We do recommend Bristol Council though as they're fab. Bristol Council fostering enquiry form