You love me don't you?

‘You love me, don’t you?’

Oh boy jeez.

That’s a shock.

It might be one of the hardest questions anyone can be asked. Love is a big deal. Whether between family members, romantic partners and even friends.

But when it’s a foster child asking you what do you say? And where does the question come from?

I mean is it harmless and flippant? Probably not. The child may have come from a neglected home where love has never been shown. No love between parents. No love between other family members. Just no love.

And yet the child knows there is something called love, and that it can exist between parent and child. So as you’re acting in place of their parent to an extent, can you or even should you love your foster child?

To me the answer is simply yes. Of course you should. You help take care of them, watch them grow, clean a scrape when they fall over and put them to bed at night.

Even if you know the child will stay with you just a few months you should still show love. Love comes out in many ways. Through kindness, tenderness, safety and security.

But when a young child straight up asks you if you love them… what do you say?

Imagine if you said no. How would you as an adult feel if an adult said they didn’t love you despite showing you kindness. You’d be confused, rejected and hurt.

So, think about how the child feels too.

They’ve asked you if you love them. They’ve asked because they want, or perhaps need to know.

The answer will always be yes. I’ve told children that even though I know they’re only temporary.

I want them to feel surrounded by people who care about them. I want them to understand what love looks like so they can wrapped in it and grow with that feeling. So they can show others love in turn.

But it’s a shocking question when it comes. Not for negative reasons… but OMG for the most positive.

To me being able to look after a child that is not your own as if they are, and for them to feel it is the best feeling.

To me love is showing patience, being genuinely interested in your child’s growth, nature and quirks, spoiling them when they’re ill and picking them up when they fall over. It is also setting boundaries, making sure they don’t hurt themselves or others by taking unnessary risks (though they invariably will). Its helping them grow into themselves and guiding them along the way. It’s not giving up when they push against you. It’s consistency too.

Love is checking they got to sleep okay, making sure their clothes are clean, they’re safe and well fed. It’s telling them ‘no’ too when they ask too much. You must model realistic behaviour too – you cant let you child have ice cream every day for example.

When your child picks up that you’re showing love to them, it’s heavenly.

Mind I do have to say its only primary age children that have asked this. Teenagers… they’d be too embarrassed. They may feel the love and security but don’t want to verbalise it. Though you’ll know when they feel it too.

How do you show love to a child and what would you do if your foster child asked them if you loved them?

All the best, Bristol Fostering.


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NB Bristol Fostering is a personal blog and not affiliated with any fostering agency. The author just happens to be a foster carer in Bristol, UK

We do recommend Bristol Council though as they're fab. Bristol Council fostering enquiry form